As I sat on the edge of my bed at the age of 16, I listened to the seven words I’d gotten so used to hearing – “This is not the end of your story,” my mom said to me. Despite having heard it so many times before, it’s significance had not lost its meaning. Within the words, I found enough strength to fight it out one more day, if for no other reason than an intrinsic curiosity that would rise inside me and think “What if she’s right? What if there’s something more than what I’m seeing?”
Thankfully, I stuck around to find out the answer. But that isn’t everyone’s story. Speaking from experience, I can’t help but think that so many suicides and suicidal thoughts are based in lies we begin to believe. In the spirit of transparency, I thought it might help someone to be able to read the three lies I almost allowed to kill me.
For me, lie #1 was rooted in the fact that I was surrounded by fellow teens who changed with the wind. I started to believe that I needed their approval in order to find significance.
Lie #2 was that I was alone in my situation. The thought of anyone else contemplating suicide or feeling lonely or small or hopeless could only be happening to me – no one else knew what it felt like to walk in my shoes – to see what I saw or think what I thought. And because I believed I was alone, I never sought help. I thought someone would judge me or worse mock me.
This ultimately led to me believing lie #3 – the world would be better or at least indifferent without me. I pictured my funeral and wondered who would come outside of family. If those so-called friends I’d had before would regret the times they’d ignored me. If people wondered how a small change in their demeanor towards me could have changed something.
If I had been in my Word back then I would know that #1 “all things have been created through [God] and for [God],” Colossians 1:16b, which means my significance would not and could not be found in other people, especially my fellow teens. I would know #2 that before Christ ascended into heaven he said “I will be with you always, even until the end of the age,” Matthew 28:20 so I was never really alone, no matter how it seemed and I would know #3 “we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, that God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them,” Ephesians 2:10 which meant someone I hadn’t met yet would be directly affected by my decision to either live out God’s purposes for my life or throw in the towel early because of my discouragement.
When armed with the Word of God, the three lies that almost killed me could not help but vanish. I believe that’s why Paul writes these words in Philippians 4:8 (The Message), “Summing it all up friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst, the beautiful, not the ugly, things to praise, not things to curse.”
Truth is found in Him. It’s been almost eight years since I’ve considered suicide. I decided that putting my life in God’s hands was a better option than taking it into my own.
If you’re reading this blog post and have ever considered suicide, please recognize that God loved you so much that He sent His only son to die for you (John 3:16). He has predestined you for greatness, you need only seek Him (Matthew 6:33), His wisdom and guidance and He will give it (James 1:5).
Want to read more about my journey and how seeking God helped me turn my misdirection into purpose driven living? Purchase The Black Girl’s Guide to Living on Purpose.