If someone would have told me 10 years ago that my mom and I would be as close as we are now – I wouldn’t have believed them. At the time, it wasn’t uncommon for us to have frequent miscommunications and as a hormonal teen, I was prone to being offended by much of what she said. Whether it be the suggestion to change an outfit, a question about what exactly it was my hair wad doing or those subtle side eyes pretty much every black teen has experienced from their parents when they sidestepped, there was a time when I convinced myself that my mom was my biggest critic.
It wasn’t until I went off to college and even moved here to New Orleans that I recognized that all those perceived criticisms were really just my mom speaking her love language – acts of service. Her telling me to change an outfit meant that she wanted me to look my best. If she questioned why I hadn’t gotten a better grade on something, it wasn’t because she was insulting my intelligence, it was because she knew I could do better in that subject. But that’s not the headspace I was in, as someone whose love languages are words of affirmation and quality time – I was only trying to hear how awesome I was or how happy my parents were that I was their kid.
For much of us, our relationships with our parents are the first example of love that we experience and while we’d like for it to be rainbows and sunshine all the time, it isn’t. For two very simple reasons – the first is that nothing on this side of heaven will ever be perfect and the second is that rainbows and sunshine don’t always help with character development. We need only read Hebrews 12:6 to recognize this “the Lord disciplines everyone He loves and chastens everyone He accepts as His son.” Sometimes our parents are the one who act out that discipline. Though my dad was the one who handled the whippings in our household, my mom was good about getting you to check your attitude with a quickness.
I’ll never forget one day when I crafted a website for the first time – I showed my parents and to my dismay, their first comments were suggestions on how I could make the website better. I promptly shared with them my disappointment and my mom said something that has still helped me better the way I handle criticism whether from family, friends, bosses, or random people on the street. She said “Brie, you are looking for someone to rubber stamp everything you do and that’s not what we’re here for.” Then my dad followed up with, “What benefit do we get by trying to tell you how to make this website better?” Talk about a major ego check.
I think that’s the first moment I really started to see how much both of my parents shared my interest. Though mostly because of misunderstandings, miscommunications and simply a lack of a shared love language, I was hurt a lot by my mom as a kid and even sharing that with her as I got older was a little uncomfortable because I was unsure of how she’d react to it. But the truth is, I cite sharing my truth as a huge turning point in my relationship. We were able to revisit various situations and I gained an entirely different insight then I had back then. I stopped viewing my mom as being critical and instead recognized that she was as she said she’d always been, one of my “biggest cheerleaders.” But I had to be open to it.
Someone reading this has been hurt by a family member, friend or even by someone you’ve been in a relationship. What’s more, your hurt may be much deeper than mine was as a kid. Where in actuality, my hurt was really just hurt feelings, there may be physical or emotional abuse in your situation. Allow me to share with you the words of Proverbs 19:11 – “A person’s wisdom yields patience and it is the glory of man to overlook an offense.” (ESV). After all these years, you may feel like your hurt is all you have left, but know that there is freedom through forgiveness and that holding on to this hurt could be holding you back.
What hurt do you need to let go of today? What might you gain in the process?
Action Steps:
Write a letter to the person who has hurt you or maybe it isn’t a person, maybe it’s an experience. Share details of how you felt at the time of the incident and how it’s affected you presently. Then, if you feel you have the courage, consider showing the letter, mailing it, etc. to the recipient. Remember doing so will be more for you than it is for them.
Know someone who needs help letting go of hurt? Be sure to share this post with them using our handy share buttons.
If you enjoyed this blog post and want to get future posts sent straight to your inbox join our mailing list!