Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. – James 1:20-25
Have you ever read something that spoke so directly to you that you felt like someone must have been eavesdropping? That’s how I felt when I read this scripture a few weeks ago. You see, at the time, I was contemplating joining our church’s Celebration Recovery ministry. Someone told me that they don’t just address addictions like love, food, drugs or pornography (which is what I’d been thinking) but that they also help individuals work through things such as codependency, financial stewardship and anger issues.
In order to admit I needed help managing my anger, I had to admit that I had an anger problem (which is hard enough to do when I’m just looking in the mirror, let alone when I’m writing about it on my blog- but I’m big on transparency). It just so happened that week, my husband and I had engaged in several conversations that left me feeling confrontational and as I reflected more and more on the various situations, I realized I’d overreacted but it wasn’t intentional. It was just a gut response.
In the “Recovery from Anger” portion of the Celebrate Recovery pamphlet it reads “These recovery groups are for men and women who find that anger is their first response to problems of any size.” That’s me. Not with just anyone, but with my husband G. It does not matter if we are contemplating future plans or discussing who is going to take out the trash – periodically I find myself getting so frustrated with him and it happens without me even thinking. A simple conversation can either end in me screaming or ignoring him completely and I don’t want that to be.
Proverbs 29:20 says “A fool gives full vent to his anger but a wise man holds it in check.” and Proverbs 29:22 says “People with quick tempers cause a lot of trouble and quarreling.” Those aren’t the kind of character traits I want to be associated with. No matter the length between outbursts, I don’t want G to feel like I’m a seething storm that he has to wait to blow over. So I’m changing. I’m taking heed to the words in today’s focus scripture and instead of looking at myself, noting I have a problem and instantly “forgetting what I look like”, I’m setting out on a path of recovery because as a woman of purpose I refuse to be ruled by my feelings.
Katherine Anne Porter, a Pulitzer prize winning journalist, novelist and political activist once said “[Marriage] is the merciless revealer, the great white searchlight turned on the darkest places of human nature.”
To the average person that may seem a little extreme, but it hasn’t taken me even seven months to experience the truth of this statement. In many marriages, the world gets to experience the best of us and our spouses just get whatever’s left. That isn’t right. We can’t treat our loved ones with disrespect just because we know they’ll love us through it. Instead, we have to be willing to come to the light and deal with whatever problems they’ve brought to our attention.
The truth is, prior to meeting Geordan, I never felt like I had an anger problem to deal with. I don’t really argue with people, I know how to hold my tongue in public, but there’s something about a person knowing all that you are that keeps you from hiding anything from them and in that, Geordan revealed my deepest secret. A secret so deep, I didn’t even know I’d been keeping it.
When I created my content calendar a few months back I felt the Holy Spirit encouraging me to focus December on letting go and anger was the first thing He mentioned. Ironically enough, though I didn’t know it at the time, this posting schedule would coincide with my first Celebrate Recovery session.
Taking hold of the destiny God has for us is a lot easier to do when we’re not holding on to the things that He’s trying to free us from. For me, anger is going to be the first thing off the list. I believe without it, my marriage can reach a new level of intimacy because Geordan won’t have to tiptoe around me. I believe we’ll be able to have better conversations, I’ll be better at listening to understand and not to be understood which will positively effect all of my relationships with friends, coworkers, family and I’ll be living a life marked by integrity. For the first time I’m not just going to think about how much I don’t want to overreact, or look to my own strength to resist getting angry. I’m going to refuse to do it and this time I’ll have the support of an entire community.
When we deal with our problems in isolation, I believe we suffer for much longer than God intends, but when we allow ourselves to be comfortable shining light on our situation, then healing can begin. This entire month we’ll be diving into the things I’m committed to let go of before 2017 comes so that I can continue to live a life marked by purpose. I hope you’ll join me.
In the comments below, list something you want to let go of before 2017.
- What steps are you taking to get there?
- Who in your community can hold you accountable to those things?
Do you suffer from anger issues or any of the other addictions I mentioned? Look for a Celebrate Recovery group in your city and read more about my battle with anger and how I choose to overcome it in this excerpt from my book, The Black Girl’s Guide to Living on Purpose.
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